2022, Unfinished.
My theme for 2022 is “unfinished.”
It began with a c-section that I wish I didn’t need. My body was unable to finish the pregnancy on its own, my uterus unable to end its work with contractions like hugs, sending my baby into the world. How unfair that we did all the work - the creating, carrying, nourishing, loving, only for a surgeon to finish the job for me.
After that, home with 3 small kids, nothing ever felt finished. The dishes - unfinished. Books I planned to read for book club - unfinished. That conversation I started with a friend - unfinished. So much of my life was interrupted by some force outside of me, most often a child needing a meal, a helping hand, or some redirection - “please put away your markers BEFORE getting a snack…!!” Even today, December 13th, my Christmas decorations are only partially up.
This year was also the year I began my journey as a birth doula , and I was graced with the opportunity to attend three births. I found relief after each one, with the safe arrival of baby, the health of momma, the end of my "being on call" period. But, when am I done with each client? After each birth, I took my phone to bed with me, “just in case”....just in case my client had a question while they are in the hospital for their two night stay...just in case they wanted to text me in the middle of the night once they are home with a question about feeding...just in case. My work here has no clear finish line.
This feeling of being unfinished is so unsettling to me. I channel my anxiety into nagging my husband - “could you please please please finish fixing that towel rack?” I stay up late to finish folding laundry, but its still not done - it will have to be put away tomorrow, and the hamper will begin to overflow again in a few days. I hesitate to start anything because I fear I won't finish it - what's the point of putting pen to paper if I won't be able to finalize my thoughts in a journal entry? Even my days aren’t ever really finished because my parenting duties continue into the night with a waking baby, a scared four year old, a thirsty 6 year old.
I reflect upon my unease at being unfinished. How can I learn to sit in it? Who of us are completely finished? Those who have passed on?
I said goodbye to both my grandmothers this year, offering me and my family an invitation to reflect upon the lives they had. Now that their bodies are in their final rest, are my grandmothers done? Finished? I hope not.
The work and lives my grandmothers began are still unfinished, alive in photos and stories and recipes and family members and friends who will carry them in their hearts. For them to be finished would be a tragedy. So maybe, being unfinished is okay. If I was finished - done, with everything I had to do and learn - than what am I to do with myself? Being interrupted and not seeing things through to the part where I am ready to step away is a challenge, and a fair one at that. This is not an attempt to minimize that challenge. But maybe my goal can be to find rest before I’m done with my to-do list, to start that essay even if I never put the finishing touches on it, to leave the book partially read if its not resonating with me, and enjoy the Christmas decorations that I did manage to put up.
In 2023, I hope to find myself at my daughter’s first birthday party, grateful for her presence and healing from her birth. I hope to be sitting in my messy house, so happy to be in the thick of raising children, far from being finished. I hope to find humor in my half written thoughts and half eaten bagels. I hope to ease into my work with my clients, and then to ease out, knowing that I will forever be in relationship to their families as a quiet witness to the life changing experience of welcoming a baby to the world.
As I wrap up writing this reflection, standing at my kitchen table, my 6 year old raises his hand, a ritual he brought home from school: “Ma, why don’t I have a drink?” (His way of politely asking for the milk I promised him minutes ago…) “Sorry bud,” and I head off to the fridge to finish the task.