Prologue

Below is the Prologue to my memoir: “My Three: A Memoir about Birth, Trauma, and My Quest for Acceptance”. You can follow along as each chapter is published on Substack.

“Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven.” -Taylor Swift

I began this project, my memoir, in the deep isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic. At the time, I was a mother of two young children and was used to filling our days with pre-school, trips to the library, playground play dates, and visiting with family. Because of the lifestyle I created, I felt unable to function in isolation. My definition of a good “stay-at home” parent was one that did not stay at home - suddenly, that’s all we could do.

I struggled as the tools that I relied on to enrich our days were taken away from me. I also feared for the health of my family - my son, Oliver, was 3 at the time, and my daughter, Violet, was 18 months old. Like many other families, we began attending things virtually - story time, yoga, even physical therapy. We adapted, and I made an intention to cherish this time with my children.

At the same time, I desperately needed time away from my kids. My husband, Mark, was working from home with flexible hours, so we managed a staggered schedule where I could have a couple of child-free mornings a week.

I loved that time. I walked. I ran. I became a fan of many podcasts. I sweat and did yoga and listened and learned. I tried to process the news. And I wrote - a lot. I wrote about politics. I wrote about my children. But mostly - I wrote about my births, and how they’ve impacted my experience as a parent. I also began to pull pieces from my archives in an effort to piece them together into something meaningful. I was constructing a memoir that I wanted to let grow.

My birth experience with Oliver was traumatic. Having almost not survived it, I have struggled in the years since to cope. Triggers are everywhere…hospitals, doctors appointments, pregnant people, TV shows, even Oliver himself. Laying down chapter after chapter of this memoir has been part of my healing process.

My birth experience with Violet was partially triggering and partially healing. It left me feeling empty and void of a fulfilling birthing experience. 

Writing, writing, writing, writing…

Sometime throughout 2020, through all the walking and writing, I began to imagine an ending to my memoir. Where did it end? What was the lesson learned? What did I want to celebrate in the final chapter?

Upon deciding with Mark that we wanted another baby, I knew - my dream birth would be next. Here’s what it was all for: my beautiful ending. 

Spoiler alert: my third birth was not my dream birth. I write this today knowing that the only birth experience I will ever know will be under the knife. 

My stories are mine, and they brought me the life and family I have today. Can we know joy without heartache? Can we know love without loss?